always looking forward

So I've realized something huge about myself since Ellie joined us four short weeks ago. (By the way, she'll be a month old tomorrow!!) All my life, I've always looked forward to the next phase in life. This may have been partially because I have an older sister, so I was always ready to do what she was doing. In high school, I was ready for college. In college, I was ready to find "the one," and be engaged. Once I knew Nick was it, I was ready to be engaged, and then eventually married. When we got married, I was ready to have a kid, and so on.

So my realization is that the future has been my idol my entire life. I look forward so earnestly to the next phase of life, not even knowing what it will look like, so much that it is an idol in my life. Now that we have Ellie, I don't so much look forward to the future, as I am enjoying my current phase. I didn't realize, however, how much I am content with life now until I realized that I have always struggled with looking forward to the future. I'm not sure that I was ever content with my present. God has blessed me more than I could have ever imagined...in every phase of life, and I never stopped to appreciate it because I was ready for my next step.

All that being said...as I always looked forward to the future, I had expectations for what that would look like. Those expectations don't always turn out to be accurate. Like when I got pregnant, I thought I would feel different; I thought life should feel different now, but it didn't. Then I thought becoming a mother would make me feel different, like I would become a different person, or my identity would change. It hasn't, which I guess is good. Ellie should not define me, which is I guess what I expected to happen if I thought I would feel different. My identity should be in Christ alone, not in my status as a wife, mother, daughter, etc. Although I love being all of those things, first and foremost, I am a child of God.
In this phase of life, Ellie is the biggest change. She is the reason for this new chapter in our lives. She will be a month old tomorrow, and I can't believe it! She is growing so much! Last night, Nick just laid on the couch next to Ellie for a few minutes, and it was precious! He loves her so much, and it makes me love him more when I see the way he looks at her. She is ours. God somehow fashioned the perfect baby for us when we did nothing to deserve it.

I think about 1 John 4:19 now when I think about my love for Ellie (and for others), which says, "We love because He first loved us." But the verse before it says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...the one who fears is not made perfect in love." So I know that whatever the future holds, whether it meets my expectations or challenges them, I will not be afraid of what it holds. I won't anticipate the future; instead, I will be content with the present and appreciate what we have now. I will love God, and I will love Nick, and I will love Ellie...forever and today.